Hoopla! - Episode 25: Reviews of Dating Tips...?

Hello and welcome to Hoopla!, the comic-book review column that has been forced by legal mandate to cease and desist with all comic-book reviews throughout the month of June.

And let me tell you, it hasn't been easy.

Just a couple of days ago I received my monthly box o' comics and there's so much I'm bursting to tell you about... comics you MUST run out and buy immediately, comics you should avoid like the plague, comics that pretend to be your friends but really just want to borrow your car...

And the list goes on.

Alas, I'm bound by the Rules of the Game, which clearly state that no comic-book review blogger shall review any comic-books or comic-book related items through the month of June.

I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

So, instead of comics this week we will be reviewing some online dating tips...

As some of you may recall, I only recently broke up with my girlfriend, Mie, so this is a topic near and dear to my heart. Fortunately, it turns out that the internet is full of useful tips for meeting women.

Let's begin, shall we...?

Secrets of Successful Daters
7 ways to supercharge your social life

By Toni Coleman

Special to Yahoo! Personals

Updated: Jun 9, 2007

Toni Coleman's "Secrets of Successful Daters" is specifically designed to help women who want to be more successful daters.

Unfortunately for Ms. Coleman, the first problem she faces in helping women to learn to date the 21st century way is a credibility issue stemming from, of all things, her photo.

I refer you to the following comments by Yahoo! Contributors:

The author, Toni Coleman, looks like she's not been on a date for 30 years. How about using someone who was born in the 29th Century.

Ouch!

Or, how about this...?

I also agree that if Toni Coleman were a hot chick writing this article, we all would feel alot more secure with her advice

Geez.

Still, he's got a point.

(Note how I'm really, really hoping that last comment was from a guy. Because if wasn't... well, that would almost be too depressing for words.)

Anyway, the general point is right on target: How can you trust the dating advice--or any advice, really--of someone who isn't a hot chick? Or, better still, a hot chick born in the 29th century?

So, let's disregard whatever Toni might have had to say and move right on to the dating advice for men...

Secrets of Women
A dating coach reveals 27 things every man needs to know

By David Wygant

Special to Yahoo!

Personals Updated: Jun 9, 2007

One look at my man, Dave, and I know that he's a total chick magnet. I mean, just look at that cocky, devil-may care grin. The man absolutely radiates confidence!!!

There will be no snide comments about Dave not having gotten a date in 30 years. No sirree!

Dave starts us off with 10 Secrets You Need To Know, and they reflect exactly the level of insight and ingenuity that you would expect from an online dating coach. For example...

1) All women like surprises; women believe they should be surprised at least once a month.

See? I didn't know that. I was thinking maybe one surprise per every three months or so.

I was way off base on that.

And that's just the beginning of the insights...

2) All women have fantasies. A man should take the time to find out her fantasy.

3) Women want a man to be sensitive yet fight for them if they needed to.

This last one is a bit grammatically perplexing, but I think we all get where Dave is coming from. And just in case you're not quite getting it, Secret #4 helps to clarify...

4) Women want a man to be gentle and rough at the same time.

Yes, women like it when a man is gentle and rough at the same time. Oh, they may claim to want someone sensitive and gentle, but I think we all know what they really mean...

5) Women want to be told they're beautiful, then after a time told they're sexy.

Here's where more information might have been helpful. More specifically, I wish Dave had elaborated on how much time is supposed to pass between Phase One and Phase Two. Are we talking minutes later? Hours? Months?

And what happens if you tell them they're sexy first, and then beautiful? Will they just totally go bat-shit crazy?

C'mon, Dave. We need some elaboration, here. I'm not a mind-reader...

6) Women want their man to notice when another man tries to pick them up, but refrain from jealousy.

7) Women will alter their appearance with a new hairstyle or buy something skimpy for themselves, not a man.

8) A woman will groom herself that day if there is a chance for her to meet someone that night.

Actually, I'm going to go a step further, here, and say that most women I've known actually groom themselves pretty much every day. Like cats.

Weird, huh?

9) Women believe in the fairytale and will look at most men in the first 30 seconds as if they could be the prince they have been looking for.

Yes, Dave, I think we're all quite familiar with that look! A sort of squinty, stare-y 30 second "Are you my prince...?" kind of thing that can really make for very long, awkward silences and, in a worst-case scenario, may even lead to a car accident.

10) If a woman really likes a man, she will spend all day trying to look good for him and still not feel perfect, yet at times she will not be made up and feel perfect.

Women! So paradoxical!!! Sometimes you just have to laugh...

Dave's good advice doesn't stop there, though. Here are just a couple of his 7 sure-fire ways to repulse a woman:

5. Drink too much or have a serious addiction.

Yup. That's a turn-off.

7. Use stupid pickup lines like: "Do you want to have sex?" "Can I smell your roses?" "Baby, that's the sweetest butt I've ever seen!" "Hey you, come here!"

Good insight there, Dave. I have never had any luck with any of those lines. Sure, they may sound clever when you play them over and over in your mind, but there's nothing like a "Baby, that's the sweetest butt I've ever seen!" to really ruin the moment.

Although "Can I smell your roses?" actually can be made to work, if you lisp when you say it with a sort of subtle, pseudo-French accent, gently swaying your hips as you do so, back and forth, back and forth.

I'm just saying.

Dave, over-achieving Dating Coach that he is, also provides 10 Ways to Make Yourself Attractive to Women. The last two are particularly insightful.

9. Tell her about one time your feelings got hurt.

Oh, yeah. Women love that sh*t. Eat it up with a spoon.

Suckers!!!

Of course, my problem is that my feelings have gotten hurt way more than one time.

Seriously, it must be in the hundreds by now.

So, the first feelings-being-hurt incident I tell a woman about, she's all like "Oh, wow. That's so..." but I'm already off on #2 and, I'll tell you what, there's a law of diminishing returns for this sort of thing.

Once you've gotten into the double digits, you might as well just pack your bags and head back home.

10. Kiss her softly, then kiss her passionately.

This is another sequentially challenging one. What you don't want to do is, you don't want to kiss her passionately and then kiss her softly.

That would just be seriously messed up.

I've made up a little mnemonic device to help me keep it straight.

"First kiss soft, next one passionate,

In World War Hulk, My green homey be smashin' it."

See? Now you won't forget.

Anyway, in addition to Dave's very helpful advice, there are also some useful tips in the comments section by the Yahoo! Contributors...

Reading this list of things women want (a partial list, really), they strike me as the demands of a child, which is, well -- childish. I'm 60, and in my time I have had more than my share of success with women, and failures, along with lots of great sex.

Mm-hmm.

Now, I still have desire and I can still function well...

Umm... okay. Good that we established that...

but I am so glad that the sexual urgency that was with me from about 17 to around 57 has gone. I'm willing, but not in need; and I don't want to jump though hoops for any woman. I live alone, and I like it that way.

Okay, well, it's been great hearing from you, but I've gotta...

I do what I want, I can choose to be alone or with company, and I am not subject to a running commentary on how well I am pleasing, or not pleasing, someone else. For all the qualities that women feel they are entitled to find in their man, they do not feel bound to reciprocate. They seem to feel that being a woman is all that is required of them in order to deserve the moon.

I think he's being slightly metaphorical here. Women don't really think they deserve the moon.

Or do they...?

And, they are inherently perverse. Not "perverted," but perverse -- meaning, for example, they want a man to provide them with every consideration, complement, and to live to fulfill her every desire --

Interesting distinction, there, between perverse and perverted. Helpful, I think.

and yet the man who actually does that for her will most likely be scorned as "weak."

Ooh. Do I detect a bad experience...?

I think maybe I do.

I think maybe I'm beginning to get a sense of this guy's secret origin story. But let's read on...

In brief, women have a huge set of contradictory demands that no man could possibly satisfy -- or even know about. Women love to keep what they want secret, or even deny it; then when her man doesn't come through with what she has said she doesn't want, she is then indignantly disappointed. Enough, already.

Okay, then.

Got it.

Women: They want the moon and they just aren't very nice at all. And they're perverse. And secretive. And they smell kind of funny, too.

Anyway, moving right along...

Oh, wait. There's more...

I'm not in the least bitter... My "sample" of women, as it were, has been garnered over many decades of experience... Every example I gave comes from my own experience, and I've known quite a few women, and married a couple, and there were in fact no exceptions to the perversity I mentioned, even in the finest of them. It may be that women are reticent to speak out, to be forthright and up dront about their needs and wants, so they just wait for this or that man to magically anticipate or understand. Perhaps it's a part of the "prince" fantasy, I don't know. I like women...

Clearly.

I enjoy women, but I have found that they are more loveable and more enjoyable when they are not around all the time, and that is generally true of all people. I have moved on; I've moved on to a life in which I am happy, and in the course of which I am not disappointing anybody, not even myself.

Whoof.

Well, I was going to include a couple of other reader insights, but reading them started really depressing me, so I've decided against it.

Anyway, I want to end this section with 10 Tips for Approaching Women, which is also brought to us be our good friend Dave.

Here are 10 surefire ways to intrigue her every time:

1. Observe something. Make a comment about something you observe in the environment. This is especially effective at the grocery store. For example, if she is ordering a turkey sandwich, ask her if the turkey is good here.

Make your comment immediate to the situation and it will seem perfectly natural. No matter where you are, there is always something interesting to comment on.

That is so true. And that turkey idea? That's a great opening line. Really. She'll be so delighted when you, a complete stranger, come up to her and ask, "So, is the turkey good here?"

She won't think that's weird at all.

Really.

3. Do not hesitate. If you hesitate in your approach, this tells her that you are not feeling confident -- an immediate turn-off. When you see her, walk over to her within a short period of time (the three-second rule). Show her you are a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.

Ah, yes. The three-second rule. This one can be tricky if, for example, she's very far away.

You may have to scurry a bit to make it in under three seconds. But it'll be worth it.

However, you must also be aware of tip number 5...

5. Not too fast. If you walk over too fast, you could likely trigger her internal alarm. A calm, casual approach is usually the best way to make her feel at ease with you.

You see, women are like frightened little animals. You don't want to trigger their internal alarm.

You want them to feel at ease. Maybe approach her slowly, with bread crumbs offered in an open hand, held out slightly in front of you.

Imagine that she is a duck. And behave accordingly.

7. Listen up. Make sure you pay careful attention to what she says. Do not have your response pre-thought out. Women love a man who pays attention to the details of what she says. If you start throwing out random words, she will lose interest fast.

That thing about throwing out the random words? That is so true.

A little confession, here. That's a mistake I've made too many times to even count. I'll approach my target, following the three-second rule but not going too fast, and I'll start off great, with some really relevant comment like, "The sky certainly is full of clouds today, don't you think?" and everything will be going great. I haven't triggered her internal alarms; all her defenses are down.

And then... words start flying out of my mouth at random. I'm all "Triggers! Felt tips! Lubrication! Antwerp! Redrum! Follow the leader! Redrum! Redrum!"

And boom. It's over.

So, watch out for that.

9. Lighten your tone of voice. The tone of your voice is a very powerful tool. Approaching her in a light and playful tone is one of the best ways to start. You could also begin in a serious tone, accusing her of something like "I hope you saved some turkey for me," followed by a quick smile to let her know you are joking. Practice playing with your vocal tone with your friends -- notice the different reactions you get when you say the exact same thing using varied tones and fluctuations.

Actually, I tried this last one out at the store a couple of days ago and it really worked! I was all like "I hope you saved some turkey for me!" but I followed it with a quick smile, so she would know that I was joking.

It was awesome.

She smiled back and said, "I don't understand. Do I know you...?"

And I was all like "I hope you... uh... aren't standing in my space. That's my space. I reserved it. I rent that space out. From the store. It actually... uh... it actually belongs to me. So, you can't stand there anymore."

And I followed it with another smile.

And she stepped out of my space, handed me the bag of turkey she'd just gotten from the guy behind the deli counter, and walked away slowly, smiling the whole time in a manner that might have suggested fear to some, but which I chose to interpret as a sort of sassy joy.

So, thanks, Dave! Thanks for all the good tips!

And don't worry, bro'. I'll take it from here...

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Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for this week... be here next week when we we will be featuring some very exciting reviews of debating Republicans. Yes, it's all a part of June's No-Comic-Book-Reviews Madness!!!

Until then, try to rememember...

"First kiss soft, next one passionate,

In World War Hulk, My green homey be smashin' it."

- Paul